Genuinely super proud of you for sticking to it consistently and trying it Ben! Men in anglophone countries have a very high drop-out rate after the first session so just sticking it through is already huge. It sounds like you didn't have the best gel with them - I'm really sorry about this experience. Agree all those other things are huge and insanely important!
For any men here that are thinking about therapy, maybe this is helpful, notes from previous projects and research...
There are some international programs now happening to train therapists specifically on men in therapy for those first couple of sessions which should really start to help
Try two sessions with a therapist, if you really don't gel with them, try somebody else! There are mostly incredible folks, but there are definitely duds or those you just will not be compatible with, it's normal even though it sucks. There are also many different styles of therapy so it's worth getting to know some and trying a couple (i.e EMDR, CBT, RA). Therapists will specialize in some, not others. It's ok to think one of them is bullshit but see how another has helped.
Also think about gender, some men find it much easier to talk to women therapists, others prefer a man. It might change based on your scenario you're experiencing and that's fine too. And consider cultural connections - if you're a first generation immigrant in a country for example, it can be really helpful to have a therapist who knows the journeys and complexities of this especially as you don't have to explain contexts, they just get it.
Expect the first couple of sessions to feel weird! The first one will often spend a lot of time on just getting to know you and working out how to collaborate together. Also being so open with a stranger can be totally bizarre. They'll try and put you at ease, try to be kind with yourself too.
Some guys I speak to have an idea that therapists want them to stay forever because it makes them more money. Totally get it. All the good ones won't though - their waiting lists are long and they're in demand and they want the best for you. There will come a time where it feels natural to conclude or things are less charged, and they will help you come up with a plan to finish. Often you'll be the one feeling you're ready to finish and will raise it. Some people like to go back in for "maintenance" on a once a quarter or half year basis, others never do. Do what keeps you healthy and you can afford.
I know everyone knows, but they won't actually give you the solution and tell you what to do. This can feel really hard for a lot of people understandably, but it can be a fantastic sounding board (particularly if you don't want to "dump" on your friends a lot or need professional support that your friends might not be trained in or need to be in a total safe, judgement free zone)
Try to have something specific things in mind about what you want to get out of it. Is it improving a specific relationship? Figuring out how to deal with your family? Working out how to prioritize things in life so you're not working all the time? Feeling more joy? Learning how to be less lonely, more part of community? Deal with X trauma or traumatic event? Confront something or someone? It will help much more (even if you have a lot that's fine).
Let them know if you need a soft space or challenging. They'll work it out and with you over time and learn when to prod and back off but it can be helpful to spell it out at the beginning based on what you feel.
If you're going through a tough time, just knowing you have an appointment lined up can be really helpful. You might be about to go through a very shitty week but in 5 days you can talk to X again and really stabilize and have some warmth and someone on your corner working it out with you.
Obv therapy is often insanely expensive so there's that too. But hopefully this helps a tiny bit (or just a reminder as everyone probably already knows!). Sorry - it's a frequent work topic :)
Right, the "good" therapists are insanely expensive and insurance companies don't like to cover it because it's often deemed non-essential, or of dubious benefit. I can't say I disagree with the insurance companies on this one issue.
The challenging thing with finding a "good" therapist in my view is: all of these people offer a free session to see if you get along, but at the same time it's impossible to know if you're going to see results in just one session.
You can always do some research, have a specific problem (or problems) in mind that you want to solve, make sure you're talking to a licensed therapist (in the US they call them LCSWs, I don't know how it works elsewhere but I made sure I was talking to one of those), then do that free intro session. After the session, ask yourself if they listened to your concerns, see if they seem like an empathetic and nice person, see if they give you some interesting insights you didn't think about before, recall if they were able to challenge your thought process effectively, etc.
The therapist I was talking to did do all of those things and I felt comfortable, and it's why I stuck with the same therapist for 6 months. If I didn't feel comfortable in any way I would have fired him long before the 6 months were up. But was there a real benefit at the end of 6 months? No.
That said, I'm not sure how else I can accurately judge a new therapist if I ever do this kind of thing again, so I'll just end up with the same problem and most likely waste another 6 months. The ROI just doesn't seem to be there.
Genuinely super proud of you for sticking to it consistently and trying it Ben! Men in anglophone countries have a very high drop-out rate after the first session so just sticking it through is already huge. It sounds like you didn't have the best gel with them - I'm really sorry about this experience. Agree all those other things are huge and insanely important!
For any men here that are thinking about therapy, maybe this is helpful, notes from previous projects and research...
There are some international programs now happening to train therapists specifically on men in therapy for those first couple of sessions which should really start to help
Try two sessions with a therapist, if you really don't gel with them, try somebody else! There are mostly incredible folks, but there are definitely duds or those you just will not be compatible with, it's normal even though it sucks. There are also many different styles of therapy so it's worth getting to know some and trying a couple (i.e EMDR, CBT, RA). Therapists will specialize in some, not others. It's ok to think one of them is bullshit but see how another has helped.
Also think about gender, some men find it much easier to talk to women therapists, others prefer a man. It might change based on your scenario you're experiencing and that's fine too. And consider cultural connections - if you're a first generation immigrant in a country for example, it can be really helpful to have a therapist who knows the journeys and complexities of this especially as you don't have to explain contexts, they just get it.
Expect the first couple of sessions to feel weird! The first one will often spend a lot of time on just getting to know you and working out how to collaborate together. Also being so open with a stranger can be totally bizarre. They'll try and put you at ease, try to be kind with yourself too.
Some guys I speak to have an idea that therapists want them to stay forever because it makes them more money. Totally get it. All the good ones won't though - their waiting lists are long and they're in demand and they want the best for you. There will come a time where it feels natural to conclude or things are less charged, and they will help you come up with a plan to finish. Often you'll be the one feeling you're ready to finish and will raise it. Some people like to go back in for "maintenance" on a once a quarter or half year basis, others never do. Do what keeps you healthy and you can afford.
I know everyone knows, but they won't actually give you the solution and tell you what to do. This can feel really hard for a lot of people understandably, but it can be a fantastic sounding board (particularly if you don't want to "dump" on your friends a lot or need professional support that your friends might not be trained in or need to be in a total safe, judgement free zone)
Try to have something specific things in mind about what you want to get out of it. Is it improving a specific relationship? Figuring out how to deal with your family? Working out how to prioritize things in life so you're not working all the time? Feeling more joy? Learning how to be less lonely, more part of community? Deal with X trauma or traumatic event? Confront something or someone? It will help much more (even if you have a lot that's fine).
Let them know if you need a soft space or challenging. They'll work it out and with you over time and learn when to prod and back off but it can be helpful to spell it out at the beginning based on what you feel.
If you're going through a tough time, just knowing you have an appointment lined up can be really helpful. You might be about to go through a very shitty week but in 5 days you can talk to X again and really stabilize and have some warmth and someone on your corner working it out with you.
Obv therapy is often insanely expensive so there's that too. But hopefully this helps a tiny bit (or just a reminder as everyone probably already knows!). Sorry - it's a frequent work topic :)
Right, the "good" therapists are insanely expensive and insurance companies don't like to cover it because it's often deemed non-essential, or of dubious benefit. I can't say I disagree with the insurance companies on this one issue.
The challenging thing with finding a "good" therapist in my view is: all of these people offer a free session to see if you get along, but at the same time it's impossible to know if you're going to see results in just one session.
You can always do some research, have a specific problem (or problems) in mind that you want to solve, make sure you're talking to a licensed therapist (in the US they call them LCSWs, I don't know how it works elsewhere but I made sure I was talking to one of those), then do that free intro session. After the session, ask yourself if they listened to your concerns, see if they seem like an empathetic and nice person, see if they give you some interesting insights you didn't think about before, recall if they were able to challenge your thought process effectively, etc.
The therapist I was talking to did do all of those things and I felt comfortable, and it's why I stuck with the same therapist for 6 months. If I didn't feel comfortable in any way I would have fired him long before the 6 months were up. But was there a real benefit at the end of 6 months? No.
That said, I'm not sure how else I can accurately judge a new therapist if I ever do this kind of thing again, so I'll just end up with the same problem and most likely waste another 6 months. The ROI just doesn't seem to be there.